January 21, 2010

Indiana Preview: My Team Is On The Floor...And There's A Bomb On A Bus.

I've got a card of 25 different basketball-themed blog posts but I usually don't know which one to use. Such is not the case tonight though, with Indiana paying a visit to the BJC (7 PM ET, ESPN2 - WTF?). All I know is to keep our unprcedented four-game win streak against the Hoosiers intact, Ed DeChellis needs to institute a 'four passes before each shot' policy. If the game's outcome is still in doubt during the final minutes, Ed should get himself thrown out of the game and hand the coaching reigns over to Dennis Hopper, who then instructs Talor Battle to 'run the picket fence' at IU while making sure 'not to get caught watching the paint dry.'

Heeding Coach Hopper's advice: Battle will resort back to his 2009-like man-crushing heroics and put in the winning layup as time expires, causing the students to storm the court, and numerous Facebook groups to pop up, promoting the idea of Dennis Hopper taking over as head coach. That is, until Hopper inexplicably rigs a CATA Bus with explosives, forcing Keanu Reeves to come in and save the day. This will then be followed by a period of PSU hoops returning to pure suckiness. That is, until Keanu Reeves announces he's taking over the head coaching position, rescuing Penn State basketball from the brink of extinction...

Hey! Don't give me that look! As long as this team isn't going to take things seriously, neither will I.

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  1. But when Keanu takes over the whole team will be unstoppable because they know how to control the matrix.

  2. That, and Keanu knows kung-fu.